My Journey to Self-Love

36 years and still learning. . . 

Where I came from. Who I am today.

The Wake Up Call

My journey to self-love began in the Summer of my 23^rd year. I just graduated college and my college sweetheart, Kristen, broke up with me. I was crushed and felt a mess. No matter what I did I found myself sad and depressed. I simply didn’t know what was wrong with me and could not change how miserable I felt.

By chance I read a book titled, Your Erroneous Zones by Dr. Wayne Dwyer. My life changed forever when I came to the second chapter titled, First Love. The chapter described what it’s like when a person loves themselves. As I read each sentence I cried like a baby. Tears flowed endlessly. I cried because Dr. Dwyer described a person who was NOT me. He had painted a portrait of a person who loved himself.

This realization hit me hard. I knew I was the opposite. I knew I did not love myself.

Shortly after I came across a second equally impactful book. Written by Hugh Prather, Notes to Myself: My Struggle to Become a Person, shared deeply personal entries from his diary. In his writing he showed how he struggled with himself and how he tried to “figure things out,” just like me. The openness and honesty he shared with his struggle was compelling. It touched my heart deeply.

These two books planted seeds of desire in me to know and love myself. These two books began my 36-year journey to self-love.

Denial > Ignorance is Not Bliss

Though I knew I didn’t love myself I didn’t act. Instead, I found it easier to numb out from unwanted feelings through alcohol. Just like my father and grandfather did. At 15 I discovered alcohol and quickly learned its ability to remove the self-loathing, fear and anxiety I lived with daily, if only for a short time.

My drinking increased until I was binge drinking in college. This continued into my first professional job. At 24 I became a “functional alcoholic,” as I was successful at work and appeared “normal” to society all while drinking heavily.

Looking back alcoholism was easy to predict for me. After all, I simply followed examples set by my dad and his dad.

At 27 I decided to drive home from an event after having too many drinks and crashed my new car. I was arrested and served the night in jail. The car was totaled and the event so disturbing that I drank only three more times before deciding to stop drinking forever. Sadly, “forever” lasted only seven years.

Talk Therapy > The Search for Self-Love Begins

At 28 I found myself in a therapist’s office to figure out why I didn’t love myself. I wanted to know why I lived with fear and anxiety so much of the time. This began a 12-year relationship with Lilly, my therapist, who helped me learn much about myself. Understanding and insights were many. She even introduced me to bioenergetics therapy, a more physical (less talking) therapy where physical activity is used to tap into emotions. In one activity I hit a pillow repeatedly with a tennis racket to tap more fully into my anger. In that moment I learned how much anger (even rage) was bottled within me.

As the years progressed, I began to understand how I viewed myself was linked directly to abuse received as an infant and child by my alcoholic father. During my work with Lilly, I recalled many memories of physical and emotional abuse. Fear was a daily and near constant experience growing up. My mother, sister, brother and I never knew who was going to walk through the door. . . “Drunk Dad” or “Sober Dad.” Sober Dad was worse than Drunk dad as Sober Dad was mean, cold and physically abusive. Drunk Dad, at least, would occasionally return home with popcorn and pretzels to make amends for spending our grocery money at the bar. Even while drunk, however, his anger was not silenced as he often hit and abused us. Hiding in the closet was a regular occurrence in my life. If I couldn’t be found, I couldn’t be hit.

The more I pieced together the insanity of childhood the more I understand what made me tick. I understood why I felt miserable about myself. Why I lacked confidence. Why fear and anxiety always seemed the primary energy in my life. Why I had a sense that something bad was always just about to happen to me.

My Deepest Belief > Why I Didn’t Love Myself

In one session with Lilly, I came to the biggest insight of all. I learned the core belief I lived my entire life with was rooted in the belief I was a mistake and not supposed to be here (alive). A week later I asked my dad if I was a mistake. He replied, “all three of you kids are mistakes. . . none of you are supposed to be here.”

His words cut me to the core. Finally, I had come face to face with the truth of why I felt the way I did. Why my life was unmanageable. Why I lived feeling like an “imposter. Why I struggled mightily to show others I belonged. I realized my fear was because I didn’t want others to know I was a “mistake.” After all, if you knew this about me, you would reject me, too.

Knowing the truth about my core belief did not heal me. The truth did not set me free. It actually made the journey to self-love more challenging. But at least I finally knew I was on the right path. I understood the deep rooted the scars of childhood were the doorway to my freedom and self-love.

I decided to not stop on my journey until I returned home to SELF.

The Seven Year Itch

As I worked with Lilly over the years, I become more comfortable with myself. So much so, I decided it’d be OK to drink alcohol again. After seven years of sobriety (and age 33) I welcomed alcohol back to my life. As I had not resolved the core wound within me alcohol once again became the best way to numb out from unwanted feelings. Functional alcoholism returned even as I met the girl of my dreams at age 39. At 40 we married. “Happily, ever after” ending was sure to follow, right? Not quite. The self-loathing rooted in the belief “I was a mistake” was the thorn that simply would not go away. It infected not only my thoughts, but my entire being and soul. It affected not just how I treated myself, but my wife and all those around me.

A Matter of Time > My Road to Bottom

My functional alcoholism progressed into dysfunctional. After 20 years of searching (age 43) I realized my inability to resolve my core wound and become severely depressed. I was unpleasant to be around. I was living out my dad’s words. . . “I was a mistake and not supposed to be here.” Unhappiness and anger dominated my life and I found myself taking it out on friends and family. After just three years of marriage my wife filed for divorce.

At age 49 the ultimate wake-up call came when alcoholism cost me my 25-year professional career in business. It happened as I was scheduled to lead a 7 AM client event, and never showed up. I didn't show as I slept off the alcohol I drank until 4 AM the night before. Asked to resign at once I did. For the next three months I struggled with understanding why I was where I was. More importantly, I struggled with why I was WHO I was. The weight of unresolved fear, anger, shame and sadness was too much to bear. I needed change. I wanted change but understood all my efforts had failed. In that moment I accepted my powerlessness over alcohol. On August 5, 2012, I tasted alcohol for the last time and am grateful for sobriety’s gift that stays with me to this day.

Homestretch to Self-Love

At age 50 I found myself in a yoga class for the very first time. It was amazing. A more powerful connection than anything I felt in church. It was connection to self. I became aware of body, mind and breath moving in unison. I felt the goodness of connection to self. Of being alive. Of simply being.

Two years later I enrolled in Yoga Teacher Training at Asheville Yoga Center and became certified to teach yoga. Still, deep-seated fear and shame kept me from teaching. So, I enrolled in another training program rooted in Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy. Here I finally began to come home to myself. It was then I realized I was lovable. Such truth was almost too much to bear as it conflicted with the core-belief of “mistake” I carried my entire life. Over the following months, the truth I was lovable seeped into my being and felt comfortable enough to not only teach yoga but open a yoga studio. Lovingly called Peace Frog Yoga the studio opened December 2015 and welcomed beginner and experienced practitioners alike.

Peace Frog Yoga Studio felt like the home I never had. The love it contained was due not only to my caring efforts, but also the students' love who made it their home, too. It was magical. Each of us were being nurtured as we nurtured each other. For the first time in my life, I finally believed (and accepted) the light and love others saw in me was true. . . I loved myself.

I was no longer a mistake. I had returned home to self. To self-love.

Tools in My Toolbox

Over the years I’ve done many things to support my journey to self-love. None of them on their own were of major significance. That said, all contributed in some way to showing a deeper sense of understanding, acceptance and love within me.

Below are a few of them and how they helped. You may wish to try them to see how they may help you.

1. Journaling: In a storage container live over 20 fully written journals I completed over the decades. I can read entries as early as 1989 (age 26) and see desire for wholeness in my words. Each entry in every journal reflects my hopes, dreams and fears. They tell of my struggle to love myself while also recounting gains of healing and wholeness along the way.
2. Self-Help Books: As mentioned earlier, two books (Your Erroneous Zones and Notes to Myself) significantly affected my life. Given this it’s no surprise I hungrily devoured self-help book after self-help book in search of “the answer” to self-love. So much so that I read over 300 self-help books. Each book helped in some small way, but nothing brought the shift in self-love I looked for. I think this is because books are more rational and written for the mind to understand while my self-belief was rooted at the emotional level. Today, I rarely read such books and find other practices more nurturing and healing.
3. Anti-Depressants: Over the years, and at various times, I chose anti-depressants to help me cope with unresolved pain. The medication helped me through the darkest of times. However, they never allowed me to move beyond the darkness. Their impact helped soften intense negative emotions during the most difficult times, but also numbed enjoyable ones. As a result, I eventually stopped such medication and re-committed to things that increased self-awareness, self-compassion and self-acceptance in my life.
4. Outward Bound: At age 31 I participated in an Outward Bound course in Joshua Tree National Park. The eight days in January of backpacking, rock-climbing and rappelling were challenging beyond belief. The desert delivered 85 day time degrees while nightfall brought 25 degrees. It was the best (and worst) thing I’ve ever done in my life. Still, it began to reveal the strength and resilience I owned. It confirmed there was something good and beautiful that lived within me.
5. Meditation: At age 55 I went on a 10-day Vipassana meditation retreat. Each day required 17 hours of meditation (from 4 AM to 9 PM). Like Outward Bound it was one of the best and most challenging things I ever did. It taught me to sit with ALL my thoughts and feelings and that nothing “bad” would happen. In fact, the opposite occurred. The meditation exposed me to the pleasure of simply being me and being alive. It delivered quiet peace. To this day I mediate nearly every day.
6. Physical Activity: I’ve always enjoyed sports and staying active. Currently, I love to swim laps at the local pool three times each week. The connection and energy to myself it generates is like yoga as it unites mind, body and breath.
7. Music: Music soothes the soul. It can also invigorate and motivate me to action. Lyrics, rhythms and melodies combine to connect me more intimately with feelings. Many playlists I create hold my favorite songs. Two playlists hold hundreds of songs each. The first is eclectic and connects me with happy memories of years gone by. The other is more soulful and spiritual and is used during yoga practices.
8. Being Open/Being Vulnerable: Understanding (and accepting) that I’m not only lovable, but loving has brought much healing to my life. Michele, my partner of six years, has helped and encouraged me to love myself more each day. She does this by loving and accepting me as I am, and I reciprocate. Likewise, Jasper (our five year old Vizsla) brings unconditional love, spontaneity and occasional chaos to our lives. His love we could not do without. Combined, we have created a family where love is the primary ingredient. Where each of us can be loved and love. This is the very love I now extend to you in support of your journey of self-love and healing.

Welcome Home to Your Self-Love

I hope you found my journey’s story to be of inspiration. I share it in hope you connect with it. I share it hoping it shines light on the same inherent goodness that lives in you now. This is the same inherent goodness you were blessed with at the very moment of your birth.

Your journey shows you how inherently good you are. It shows you are lovable.

The light and love in me bow in acknowledgment of the light and love within you.

Namaste.

Joe

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